(no subject)

October 28 2010, 12:00 AM  by Caleb Eggensperger
[ Tags | ]

I have changed a lot as a person in the last five years. Five years ago I was 16 and starting out as a junior at ASMSA. (I thought that) I was straight, happy, conservative, christian, bright, and right about everything. All of these perceptions (and several others) have basically turned completely around in the last 5 years. Some smoothly and straightforwardly, and some not so much. As I understand it, my experiences are far from unique in this regard.

One of the things that has been most difficult to adapt to is learning that many of my long held ideas/beliefs/patterns of reasoning/etc are terrible/discriminatory/cold & uncaring/etc. This is a process that hasn't gotten better as my views leveled off in the last two years or so, and I'm beginning to think it's probably something I'll have to deal with forever.

Two recent examples: (1) Kate Beaton's recent Tweetstorm inducing comment about the phrase/joke "I love your work so much I want to have your babies". It's a joke/sentiment I have made/had a lot (never TO a creator/idol, for the record), and I've never even considered that it could be offensive. (2) In my planning of GLBTF's Gender Bender Ball, I noted at some point that I'd rather it be after Thanksgiving so that it can be Christmas themed. I continued with this thought for weeks until Melanie Adams (our faculty advisor) pointed out (quite rightly) that "maybe we should go for winter themed instead". I'm an atheist and I didn't even think about the idea of a (secular) christmas themed ball being offensive to non-christians.

It leads to a lot of self loathing/criticism. I'm so angry at myself that I could call myself a feminist/liberal/religious freedom advocate/etc and still hold these beliefs. Maybe I'm broken, I think to myself, maybe I'm just not capable of being what I feel like I should be. Of taking everything into account that I should.

Even if I could go back to being blissfully ignorant, though, I wouldn't want to. I'm better this way, even if I'm not happier. Ultimately, I would rather be unhappy and have a net positive impact on the word than vice versa.

I guess that's all I wanted to say. I don't really have an answer to this, or a thesis I'm trying to put forward. Just something I was thinking about and wanted to share.

2106 views and 1 response

  • Dec 5 2010, 3:11 PM
    Andrew Hays responded:
    Caleb, I don't think we ever really completely get over our old ideas. I think this is all part of the human experience and we all learn to grow from it. I hate that I still feel some of the things that I do, but I think we make it (more) right when we realize that that feeling is wrong, and choose not to act on it. For example, I know many people in our parents generations that were raised on racism, but as adults they are trying their hardest not to let it influence them, and I think that's where it's important. We have to not let our old beliefs influence, but rather remind us of what things are like if we digress into our old ways.

    I don't know if I'm just ranting or if any of this makes sense, but I think that this post alone means you're making the right choices. Also, sorry for commenting on an old post, this just stood out to me.